Before they stand any chance of recovery and healing, victims must remove themselves from the abuse. The first step, as insisted upon by survivors and professionals alike, is No Contact, or failing that, Grey Rock
Big Steps well worth taking
It is vital that victims of NPD abuse cut al ties with their abuser they possibly can, and as quickly as they can, even if it means cutting significant losses. If at all possible, get away. A very long way away. Get somewhere safe – physically and emotionally. It’s essential. It’s also easier said then done (esp when there kids involved, house ownership, jointly owned businesses etc). But do all you can, and lean on friends and family if required.
If there are kids involved, remind yourself of airline safety briefings. Put you own oxygen mask on first. You have to save yourself before you are in a position to save the kids. Get a very good divorce lawyer. Safeguard your finances and assets. Strategise.
Block your Abuser – on everything
It is vital that the narcopath is able to gain any access – ultimately to your mind, but in the meantime through any method of communication. This includes:
- Get physically well away from the narc. The further the better – some victims even change countries.
- Block all forms of communication – phone, on social media, etc
- Do not stalk – no drive-bys, no checking out their social media accounts, not talking to third parties to gain news.
- Accept that you are going to lose a sizable tranche of friends-in-common. Anyone and everyone who is not sufficiently on your side will be sucked into the smear campaign and will be against you. Do not torture yourself with the inevitable isolation and injustice that this represents. Develop a small, loyal group of supporters with different circles and outlooks instead.
The Narcissist’s Reaction to No Contact
Narcissists deeply resent it when you go no contact – you are, after all, depriving them of a tried and tested, and hugely bountiful, source of Narcissistic Supply. They will try and continue to abuse you and will adapt their tactics and chosen type of abuse accordingly. They will even do all they possibly can to reel you back in. Beware, therefore, the classic narcissist’s manoeuvre – the Hoover.
Sadly there are plenty of situations in which No Contact simply is not possible – you have children together, you are work colleagues, they are blood relatives for example. In this case the next best thing is by adopting what is referred to as the Grey Rock Method.
This is named after a grey pebble on a beach. Any pebble. Any beach. As boring and nondescript as any other. This is what you are aiming for. Be polite, but don’t reveal any details about yourself. Try and observe the whole interaction from a third person perspective. Divert all the attention to your kids (or what ever it is you are having to communicate with them about). Don’t appear to care what is going on in your ex’s world. Anticipate them trying to make you jealous, crazy-bait you, denigrate you in front of whoever will listen. Don’t bite – just let it be water off a duck’s back. If at all possible, avoid the spoken word as the medium of communication – stick instead to texts, emails, My Family Wizard etc.
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