“The types of abuse that a Narcopath avails themselves of are numerous, imaginative and mind-boggling. By and large their effectiveness lies with the stealth in which they are used – stealthy to the victim themselves in many instances, and certainly secret from those outside the target group who in most cases are oblivious to the chaos being wreaked behind closed doors.”
Who is Abused?
Abuse is generally exercised by someone with NPD on spouses, work colleagues, friends – and especially their own children. In a family context, it happens behind closed doors and is very difficult to detect- like any trickster, the abuser presents themselves as pillars of society, and is charming and outgoing. The “False self” camouflages the “Real self“.
The reasons for their campaign of abuse is baffling to the outsider is that it runs so contrary to how we as humans instinctively treat others, and abusive is often the polar opposite as to how someone with NPD appears to the rest of society. But as with the literary character(s) of Jekyll & Hyde, their split personalities are rarely apparent to the outsider. So very often no-one other than those directly affected are ever aware of the abuse.
More insight on their split personalities can be found at Real vs False Self.
Intimidation. Trolling. Stalking. Using threatening language or gestures.Threatening harm or murder. Threatening suicide. Displaying or keeping weapons in a threatening manner. Making light of abuse. Running smear campaigns against the victim (directly and through Flying Monkeys and Enablers. Monitoring & controlling their victim’s emails / phone calls / texts / social media. Confusing their victims with Word Salad and Gaslighting.
Inappropriate blame, teasing, invalidating feelings, humiliation, withholding affection, silent treatment, ghosting, threatening, chastisement, failing to respect boundaries and personal belongings, unreasonable invasions of privacy, undue possessiveness, overbearing jealousy, treating you as an inferior human being, undermining your confidence, reminding you of failings and shortcomings, a lack of appreciation, causing upset at the outset of a holiday or weekend away, laying on guilt trips or fabricated problems if you are having a good time without them, disapproving looks or comments, control over friends and social diary, name calling, belittling your successes and achievements, false accusations, making jokes of you.
Physical harming including punching, kicking, restraining, choking, suffocating, spitting, burning, poisoning, blocking exits, physically excluding (eg locking out of house), driving recklessly.
Raging, name calling, insulting and demeaning, swearing, yelling, condescending, being sarcastic, complaints about the way the victim dresses, looks, sounds and smells.
Rape, sexual harassment, withholding sex and/or making sex conditional, infidelity, threatening to have affairs, forcing sex, manipulating sex, forcing non-monogamous sex, forcing unusual sexual positions and practices, sexual put-downs.
Unreasonably limiting or preventing access to money. Running up joint debts. Micromanaging someone else’s expenditure. Wasting money needlessly. Setting up and/or closing accounts unilaterally. Hiding funds. Unfairly diverting funds or income. Withholding money and/or child support. Selling someone else’s possessions. Unfairly prioritising needs to the detriment of the victim. Unreasonably claiming or putting expenditure on expenses. Harming someone else’s credit rating. Failing to pull their weight with household income and/or chores, and unreasonably living off the income of their partner.
Playing mind games, attacking ideas, pouring scorn on aspirations, undermining opinions, making their victim feel stupid or ignorant, unreasonably demanding perfection, manipulating facts to the detriment of the victim. Making fun of a victim’s faith. Doing things that will offend faith-holders.
Narcopaths will invariably abuse their own children in two ways: by using them as weapons or as pawns in their war against their discarded co-parent (see Parental Alienation); and by abusing them directly in order to derive narcissistic supply. In terms of the direct abuse, their aim is two fold: to use them as positive accessories to affirm to the rest of the world their perceived normality, and to be sources of admiration and praise; and to derive negative narcissistic supply in the form of control, interdependence, self-importance. Please see the sections Parental Alienation and Children of Narcopaths for further information.
Naracopaths hate being ignored, being insignificant. So it is only natural that they use the silent treatment as the ultimate weapon on their victims who need to be taught a lesson.
Ghosting refers to ending a relationship by just disappearing and breaking of all contact. The discarded ex is left without an apology, an explanation, and crucially without closure. This is a tactic designed to cause most hurt, doubt and uncertainty, but leaving the door open to subsequent “hoovering”.
Narcopaths in the workplace can be lethal to your career – beware of the following: blocking your promotion; engaging in setup-to-fail tactics whereby you are given impossible tasks so as to sink yourself; smearing you to colleagues and superiors; undermining you with subordinates; framing you for failures; falsely accusing you of professional or personal misconduct; obstructing training opportunities; kidnapping your achievements and billing them as their own; blocking pay rises or the awards of bonuses.
Stealing or otherwise denying their victim access to their own property or belongings. Using their victim’s belongings without permission. Living in a victim’s property without recompense. Committing to buying or leasing houses, cars, or equipment that then obligates their victim to a liability. Hiding belongings (eg keys!!). Forcing entry or access. Stealing Intellectual Property. Moving property and wealth, tangible and intangible, into their own names / control. Stealing clients.
Narcopaths will use the system and the judiciary to frustrate and bog you down, running up costs needlessly. Expect: calling the police on fabricated accusations; spurious letters from lawyers and legal cases; tripping you up with the authorities included taxman and bank etc; coaching joint dependent children to give false statements to the police.
Boiling Frog Syndrome
Supposedly, if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump straight out. However, put a frog into cold water and slowly bring it to the boil, and the frog will remain, unaware that it is slowly cooking to death.
And so it is with narcissistic abuse. It is so gradual, so insidious, and so covert in most instances, that most victims are completely unaware what is happening – and even the most strong, and analytical can easily go for years without realising it. By the time they do, often they are so trauma bonded that they are in many ways addicted to the drama, the roller-coaster ride, the abuse and their abuser. It is only when something calamitous happens, or when they hit rock bottom and can sink no further, that they are jerked into reality. Very often it is only when someone outside the relationship draws their attention to NPD, a therapist or friend with knowledge of NPD, that they become enlightened.
The fog rises and they are able to start to make sense of their living hell.