The end of a relationship with a narcissist is a tragic tale indeed. Whilst the victims are left devastated, they see their ex charge off into the sunset in apparent perfect happiness sharing their dreams with a new partner in the blink of an eye. How on earth are victims to put together the pieces of their shattered lives?
Don’t Rage at them
The sad reality is that narcs get off on the woe and chaos they create. It makes them feel important, significant. The worst thing that you can do is rage at them – if feeds their narcissistic supply further, gives them ammunition to smear you as crazy, and reassures them that they can pop in for more supply whenever they choose. To hoover and triangulate – both high octane fuel to the narc.
As victims, and as humans, we desperately want an apology. An acknowledgement of the pain they have caused. Even some sort of explanation. It is the closure that narcs will never, ever give – not genuinely anyway. Why? Because (a) it would be an acknowledgement that they are less than perfect (a notion that is lethal to their false self to entertain), and (b) it would close the door on their ability to carry on the drama, the abuse, the mindfuckery – and, crucially, their ability to derive further narcissistic supply from you. It will never happen, and, controversial though it may sound, in holding out for such closure is where we cross the line from being innocent victims into active participants in our own abuse. Yes – we really begin to mindfuck ourselves.
It is therefore so vitally important that we go No Contact immediately, we block them from all forms of contact both direct and indirect, we sever all ties, we build and maintain impenetrable boundaries and defences, we cast them from our conscious, and we focus entirely on our own self-care. Until you are fully removed from the abuse – them-on-you, and you-on-you – you cannot begin to heal. It is as simple as that.
Facing the Fall-out
This is an excruciatingly difficult process – consider that you are mourning the end of a romantic relationship without closure or explanation, you are kicking the biochemical addiction that is trauma bonding, you are coming face-to-face with your own demons that your tolerance of the abusive relationship has exposed, and you are going the mechanics of separating lives with all that entails (kids, houses, joint friends, joint bank accounts etc). You’re also invariably dealing with the impact of a smear campaign, you are being isolated from friends and family, and you are defending against hoovering and all manner of crazy-making skirmishes that your now-ex is up to. If kids are involved, you are trying to steer them through it all – desperately trying to be seen to hold it all together. And invariably all of this chaos is happening at the same time and when expenditure is going to spike putting an impossible strain on finances.
Breaking free takes enormous courage and determination. It is vital that you self-care as best as possible, and avail yourself of whatever support you can.
But most importantly it is important not to cave in. Never break No contact. Never allow yourself to be returned to square one. To repeat the drama time and time again. It will just wear you down until you have no emotional reserves left.
Courage! I wish you well on your journey.
Narcissistic Abuse Survival Kit | Spartan Life Coach