So many NPD survivors from romantic relationships are horrified at how quickly their ex moves on to a new partner (invariably immediately) with the discard. To make matters worse, the new partnership is the epitome of perfection – and you are made to know it. It is a very bitter pill to swallow. But there are a number of points that you need to understand.
There’s No Love
- Your ex doesn’t love the new partner (referred to an NPD survivor communities as the New Supply, or NS).
- Your ex will never love the NS. Your ex never loved you. Don’t take it personally – but, whether they like it or not, they are incapable of love. The can’t love their romantic partners, their parents, their children, God etc. You were in their lives to provide them with narcissistic supply and other benefits. It’s as simple as that. Perhaps controversially, my own view is that they can’t love themselves (yes I know – narcissism is all about loving yourself so much you blinded by that love to the detriment of all other loves). But bear with me. They are so filled with self-loathing, that their whole raison d’etre, the entire fabricated false-self, is all a cover to mask the fact that they are incapable to even loving themselves.
- The ex moved on to a NS for one of two reasons – they emptied the tank of narcissistic supply that you represented, or they feared that you had or were about to turn off the tap of narcissistic supply.
- For whatever reason they jumped ship, it is vital to them to believe that nothing is their fault, and that they have exited the relationship better off than you – it would be extremely damaging to their fragile ego to think otherwise.
- The overt signs – the posts on social media, the engagement announcements, the claims of undying love and great sex – are all designed for two purposes: to damage you further, and to lovebomb the NS and get them bound in to their sinister plan. How damaged it makes you depends entirely on you and the degree you allow it to.
Some things to bear in mind:
- It wasn’t your fault.
- There is nothing you could do about it.
- The discard was inevitable, and postponing the day would just do you further damage.
- The NS is playing a very positive role:
- They were the catalyst not in the implosion of your relationship, but your own rebirth
- By supplying your ex with narcissistic supply, without which you would have to be topping up
Should you warn the New Supply?
It’s a question that all discarded partners doubtless ask themselves, and I have to say that the overriding consensus of opinion is NO! My own view is also a big no – and for several reasons:
- Your Narcopath will have already planned for this and conditioned the new love to think that you are crazy, overbearing, smothering, jealous, abusive etc (which, incidentally is also the excuse they told as to why they left you – making them the victim and you the villain). So if you told the New Supply, you would simply be reinforcing their story – what I call the Victim Narrative.
- Narcopaths love drama – and telling the New Supply you would be playing into their hands and setting up the triangulation that the Narcopath seeks as part of his mindgames on the New Supply. You will be portrayed as jealous – implying that the Narc is someone worth being possessive over, in turn making them more attractive and desirable to the New Supply. Wouldn’t it be better to send a message of “good riddance, happy to wash my hands of you completely”?
- Not only will you have provided narcissistic supply during the discard, in telling a New Supply you would be opening the taps to giving them more material with which they claim victimhood and derive supply into the future.
- You are reinforcing their hope that you are jealous and romantically attached to them – boosting their ego, reinforcing their sense of control and, worst of all, you would be setting yourself up for subsequent hoovering.
- In debating the issue and ruminating about it all, you are taking yourself backwards into pain and resentment. Whilst you must give yourself time and patience to heal, it is important that you look forward with optimism instead.
5 Reasons Narcissists can’t stay in a Relationship | Power of Positivity