Given that Narcopaths do untold damage to their victims in every which way, destroying their lives, wealth, livelihoods and relations, it is understandable that some victims will seek revenge of some sorts. But for many victims, it is the ongoing exposure to covert abuse well after the demise of the relationship that many victims are just seeking to stop. Outright. To the bystander, this can very easily look like revenge.
Is it worth seeking revenge on the narcissist? How will this fit into your self-validation and coming to terms with the campaign of abuse you have been subjected to? How will this assist your healing? Does your abusers subsequent target deserve warning? All understandable thoughts and emotions for a recently-discarded victim. Understanding what the narcissist is thinking, how they will react, and how this will impact on you is all worth careful consideration before doing anything.
Traditional Revenge feeds the Narcopath
Most people regard revenge as tripping someone up, damaging something of theirs, inconveniencing them, making their life unpleasant in some way etc. To understand how this may not register as revenge for the narcissist is that by doing any of these things, you are still engaging with the narcissist. Slash their tyres and it will screw up their day and cost them money in replacement – but you’re still giving them narcissistic supply (in this case negative fuel, but fuel nonetheless). You’re telling them that you are still thinking about them. That you’re still angry with them. That they are still dominating your thoughts. In the twisted mind of the narc, what they are hearing and banking is that they are still important. Significant. Omnipotent. Dominant. In control. You are telling them that you are hurting. And in the sadistic mind of the narc, that’s something they adore hearing. Lots of narcissistic fuel to be derived there.
As a general rule, the best revenge you can get over a narcissist is to disengage completely, sever all ties, heal and get on with your life. Go No Contact if you can, instigate Grey Rock if you can’t. Anticipate and resist any attempts to Hoover you. They hate not being able to touch you any longer, and to see you going on to achieve success and happiness in your life. It drives them nuts as it informs them of their insignificance, powerlessness as well as indicating to them that the problem was them all along. Disengaging serves them a double whammy – you are depriving them of the narcissistic supply that they desperately need. It chokes them, forcing them to seek alternatives elsewhere. Understanding how this is revenge requires a good understanding of narcissistic personality disorder, and how their minds work. Essentially counter-intuitive thinking.
When a deep injury is done to us, we can’t heal until we forgive. Nelson Mandela.
If you are able to disengage, forgive and then heal, you are well on your way. And this is by far the best route to follow if you can. However, it may be that you simply are not able to disengage. A common reason for this is that you have kids in common, and your ex continues to abuse you through the kids, including but not limited to Parental Alienation. Only you can weigh up the various pros and cons of accepting the status quo, finding some other solution, or looking to stop the ongoing abuse of yourself and your children at the hands of the Narc. One such option is to follow the difficult example of other abused groups and expose.
Exposing the Narcopath
If you really want to hit the jackpot in terms of revenge, it’s to not only sever ties and starve them of any narcissistic supply you are giving them, but to deprive them of fuel that they may find elsewhere. Narcs are covert abusers – plain and simple. Like any other covert abuser, such as the sexual predator, paedophile or con-artist, they require a degree of secrecy in which to operate. They need new targets to be innocent and ignorant of their alter ago, to be blind to their grooming. They need to prevent the law, the system or society in general from catching up with them. So exposing them, denying them current or future sources of the very lifeblood on which they depend, narcissistic supply, suffocates them. The Weinstein scandal, and the ensuing #metoo campaign, are perhaps the best-known example of this in action.
A major word of warning, though. If you threaten a narc with exposure, they will do their utmost to discredit and destroy you. Rose McGowan’s rough ride since #metoo is proof. They do so by launching the most incomprehensible smear campaign against you, and by isolating you from your friends, family and support group. And they are very effective at doing so. So you will need balls of brass to pull this feat off – it’s not for the feint-hearted.
They Won’t Believe You | HG Tudor