Thinking positively about your ex-Narc or the whole NPD experience is going to sound very counter-intuitive. But everything about narcissists is counter-intuitive, so stay with me a moment – there are some very good reasons why you should try and find some silver-linings to that mother of all black clouds…..
Neither Love nor Hate
Your healing is only complete once you arrive at the stage that you generally neither love nor hate your narc. Given that you’ve probably started off from a point of love and loathing, which morphs quickly into hate and resentment on discard, it stands to reason that the pendulum needs to swing from a negative extreme in a positive direction before it can possibly come to rest at a point of neutrality.
Thinking negatively just commits you to a life of victimhood. You’ve have had the shit kicked out of you, and you thoroughly deserve happiness. But you will never find that from a point of victimhood and depression. And if you carry on thinking negative thoughts, that is what you risk becoming, and what we are is what we attract.
Conscious vs Sub-Conscious Thoughts
Numerous studies have proved the relationship between your conscious and sub-conscious thoughts. Essentially what you ruminate on, what constantly whirs around in your head, what you genuinely believe, WILL become your reality. Life’s highest achievers – from sportsmen, to inspirational speakers, to actors, to leaders – know this and constantly focus their thoughts on positive outcomes, brilliance, success.
By the same token, if you constantly allow your conscious mind to dwell on negativity, with thoughts that you are not worthy, that your life is over, that you will never recover, that you will never find happiness again, etc, this is what will become your reality.
All victims report of the ruminating. It’s endless. It happens because of the particular type of abuse that the victim has been subjected to, but also because of the lack of closure that the narcopath gave their victim. Often the whole saga is revisited when the narc attempts hoover moves to pull their discarded ex back into their web of cruelty.
Consider this technique. Rather than fight it, embrace it.
Embracing the Pain
Through embracing the pain, working through it, exercising self-care religiously, you should be able to get over this very difficult period that much quicker. Treat it like a period of mourning, because essentially that is what it is. Don’t try and cast it out of your mind, deal with it. Cry lots. Reminisce. Rue the dreams that you had which will never now be quite as you expected. Feel miserable. But do it and get it out of your system as quickly as you can.
A word of warning though – doing this technique can take you to a very dark place. You are already weak. So be very careful that you don’t overdo it. Be very focussed – this is a phase that you are working through, but not going to dwell in for long. Surround yourself with a support network if you can – being with people helps. Make sure that someone is monitoring you regularly to ensure that you don’t get too down. Enlisting the assistance of a therapist who specialises in NPD will be invaluable.
Throughout this pain-embracing phase, try and surround yourself with positive affirmations of your mettle, of the positive and upbeat character that you were before and will be again, trappings of the successes you achieved earlier on in life. Photos of happier time, sports prizes, education certificates – anything that serves to reassure you of the successes and happiness you had before and will have again – will all serve to ground you in your own brilliance and steady the ship in the stormy seas in which you find yourself.
Listen to music that take you back to the good old days. Treat your senses to anything that reminds of the same – smells of walks in the woods, taste of favourite holiday foods or drinks, sights of faraway places, the touch of a favourite old pullover since packed away. It’s a personal choice, but anything might work. These will all have a positive impact on your psyche and reassure your subconscious that this is just a transition period.
Thinking positively opens your mind to understand the counter-intuitive thinking of the narc, and will enabled you to beat them at her own game. Thinking positively can’t be recommended enough – and if that means finding some good in the traincrash of an NPD relationship, or finding a way to pity your ex, or cherishing the ways in which the whole experience has made you stronger – go for it.
Lights at the end of the Tunnel
You about to enter a phase in your life in which you have choices. You have freedom. To pursue those hobbies you were preventing from doing. Meeting people that you were barred from. Going places that you’ve only dreamed about. None of these may be possible today, or even tomorrow, but they are there on the horizon. Lights at the end of the tunnel.
Your ability to reach them will depend very much on how you are able to take the terrible experience you have endured and turn it around to be a positive. This website wouldn’t have been possible without the experience I had. Now it is helping thousands of people all over the world.
Excellent Resources on the Subject
For further insight into these concepts, the following are highly recommended
- The Zero Point – Joe Vitale
- The Psychology of Success – Brian Tracey. This one is really aimed at corporate execs seeking excellence and performance – but has lessons that are so important for general consumption, but also for parents bringing up kids and steering them in the world. Co-parenting with a narcissist, who is psychologically abusing their own kids and waging a campaign of Parental Alienation poses serious psychological risk to the kids who invariably carry those childhood scars throughout adulthood. As the one normal-range parent they have, it is vital that you compensate for this damage by inspiring them to the max.