People do not end up victims of Narcissistic Abuse by accident. They were targeted for the narcissistic supply they can provide, and the lack of boundaries they offer. Falling victim once is bad enough – but too often victims see the pattern repeating itself. There, are however, ways for preventing the cycle for those that know.
Heal Childhood Wounds
A big reason that people end up as victims is that they themselves have unresolved issues dating back to childhood. Often they are completely unaware of these. Perhaps a parent or other significant influence on their life was a narcissist. Or a parent was particularly overbearing and controlling. Such experiences can result in childhood wounds that make them become people pleasers, in many respects too empathic toward others and with weak personal boundarieswith which they honour themselves. Both act as beacons to the Narcissists, singling youout as ideal targetfodder.
Consider any experience that you have had with a narc acted as a signpost to highlight these wounds – they are the insecurities that the narc exploited throughout. Has a narc pulled one over you in business? Ask yourself why you fell victim, at what point you should have spotted the con, and why you didn’t. If the case of romantic tangle with a narc, what did you do to attract attention, what vital signs did you miss, and why didn’t you back out of the relationship sooner?
Get Good at Being Alone
A period of solitude post-discard is extremely difficult – but essential for that introspection and healing. Identify and resolve these issues, heal the wounds etc and you will emerge enlightened, strong but also kind, happy and optimistic.
Radiate the Right Signals
And when you’re in a state of self-confidence and happiness, you won’t need to find a partner – the ideal partner will find you. If you are not actively looking for a partner, you are less likely to find a Narc. Moreover, when you are fully ready and able to welcome someone into your life, you will end up enjoying a much more healthy and rewarding partnership. The self-respect and self-love will allow you to decide, impose and maintain healthy boundaries. Skip the self-healing stage and you will forever be a magnet for narcissists, and without the tools to spot and dodge them.
Right Connections in the Right Places
Online dating is rapidly becoming the go-to solution for finding a partner, and it is definitely a plentiful marketplace that is easy to access. Don’t discount the idea – but just be wary as it is often the favoured hunting ground of the narcopath. It offers them targets in abundance, where they can be engaging multipletargets at the same time. Initial communications are by messaging– allowing them to present their false selves with ease. Moreover, the lack of face-to-face contact subconsciously makes you drop you guard and inhibitions. Perfect scenario for the narc!
Don’t discount real-word opportunities – get out there and mix with like-minded people pursuing interests that you enjoy, and very often you will find the best partners are found by accident in this way.
There are many different types of Narcissist, each manifesting different overt traits and behaviours,
Underneath that facade, however, and they have similar needs, they have track history and they have a modus operandii of attack. Many of their traits are versions of the following themes. Learn these and you should be able to spot a narcissistic assault before too much damage is done. Many are referred to as Red Flags, and whilst all narcs are different, many operate to a pattern where are least half should be decipherable.
Specifically, in a romantic context there are several things look out for early on in a courtship.:
Narcissists know that they have to get you hooked and addicted before they can start deriving their narcissistic supply from you. They do this by love-bombing. Expect plenty of compliments, frequent texts and messages professing undying love and attraction. Right from the get-go, they want to dominate your thoughts on an hourly basis. This serves a secondary role – to dissuade your developing an interest in anyone else. Messages may seem rather generic, and not necessarily tailored to you specifically – and that’s because they are not genuine or original, but copied from films, books and the like. Don’t forget, Narcs simply do not have the same emotions that normal-range people do, and they can’t feel love. So their courting you is the same charade that is their entire lives.
Narcissists position themselves as being your soul-mate by mirroring. In the early days, anticipate plenty of in-depth questions as they get to know you. Getting to know one-another is normal in a relationship, but with a narcissist it is more of a study, and it’s very one-sided. They won’t want to give anything away until you have first disclosed. Then they will pretend to like all of the same things as you – hobbies, past-times, sports, interests, music, food, places to visit, drink etc..
Plenty of Charm
The know how to win people over quickly and will come across very charming – but only to those people who ‘count’. Expect the vicar to be treated very differently to the rubbish collector. Potential Targets get treated the best of all.
Understand Narcissistic Supply and How you Might be Providing it.
Ultimately, a Narc is after narcissistic supply, plain and simple. They will manipulate their appearance to pretend otherwise, but fundamentally, understand supply well and you will be able to see exactly what a narc is up to and why in any situation. It is the key that unlocks all of their unusual behaviours and mind-boggling actions.
At the outset of any relationship, the narc is assessing the person as a potential new source of supply. By understanding what narcissistic supply is, and by asking yourself what types of fuel you have on offer, you will able to gauge what sort of target you make. They love optimism, kindness and decency. Will these, you’ll give them compliments and prop up their egos. They love an easy life, so if you have wealth, this too will be of interest. They need status, so your position in society and family background is important, as is your drive to get on and succeed in life. They want patience, and they don’t like neediness – because they need all the care and attention. Are you feisty? That will come in nicely during the discard – sparks will fly as they seek to gain more and more control over you, and this all feeds their fire.
Strike a Balance – Head, Heart & Gut
Heart – For some in the early stages of courtship is all too easy for heart to take over – particularly with the lovebombing that the Narc is up to. It may well be time to apply the brakes a little and take vibes from head and gut. Love is blind, after all.
Gut – Gut instinct should never be overlooked – in fact if you talk to many victims of NPD abuse and they will also say that they did indeed get a funny feeling early on. Your gut tunes into different frequencies of communication than heart or heart and will give you – don’t ignore the intuition and instinct, as its insight is less blinded by the flattery of biased by the brain.
Head – Using your head is not difficult – and this website alone will give you some excellent points by which you should benchmark your possible narc. Work through the Red Flags and take a more considered, unbiased view as to what you are seeing and experiencing. Don’t just observe – investigate. Probe for further insight, and if you spot something of concern, dig deeper.
Taking notice of head, heart and gut signals will stand you in much better stead for spotting, and extricating yourself, from tangles with Narcs.
Defending yourself against a narcissist, and ensuring that you are not a future target, may sound daunting and difficult. But by understanding their needs, their various types, their motivations and their red flags, you should be able to arm yourself with enough knowledge to dramatically improve your chances.
Getting your own shit together, practicing self-love, imposing sensible boundaries and enforcing them, are great things that you should be doing for yourself, narc-danger or not.