Combating Parental Alienation

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As far as Parental Alienation is concerned, the court system is broken. We all know that. And targeted parents are all getting very frustrated and demoralised about trying to fix it. But tackling the system is one thing – there are numerous other things that you as a targeted parent can do to improve your relationship with your child. Even if this takes some time.


Much of the judiciary don’t care about Parental Alienation. Why? It should be clear enough-  they have no empathy themselves, because (a) the system works for them, thank you very much, and (b) many of them are NPD themselves. So trying to appeal to their sense of decency is wasted time and energy. If you want to achieve anything with lawyers and the judiciary, naming and shaming individuals who have, for example, been a part of cases where the targeted parent ended up committing suicide is a tactic which stands more chance of resonating. Whether on social media, or picketing law firms and courthouses with placards, or getting articles in the local paper – consider getting out there. Just make sure that you don’t do anything illegal. In more general terms, we need to raise awareness of the disorders that lead to PA – the NPDs, BPDs and other Cluster B’s of this world. Let’s face it, it took the #metoo campaign to stop the likes of Harvey Weinstein.
Not all of what you do needs to be public. There are two things that you can do yourself to help your situation of Parental Alienation in the here and now. One is to get smart. Learn NPD in great detail. Understand how NPDs think, and where their Achilles heel lies. Try countering your ex’s smear campaign with your own crusade aimed at raising awareness of NPD (but avoid making it about them – instead focus on narcs in the news such as politicians and serial abusers like Weinstein). Formally sound a warning bell with their flying monkeys and enablers about child abuse (in the form of parental alienation) so that none of them can claim to be unaware of your concerns. Be present and highly visible in their circles as the real you – not the crazy abuser they try to make you out to be. In this way, they have to be extremely careful as to what they do or say. Drama is the very lifeblood of the narcissist – we all know that. By educating their circle about NPD, and by shining a light as to what happens behind closed doors, they have to be very careful about what they say or do. If they get caught out creating mischief, and another part of the jigsaw puzzle falls into place. Soon enough you will see their circle of friends and supporters quietly pulling back. Such a general mood starves them of narcissistic supply. This unbalances them, and your children will take note of their increasingly desperate measures to secure their lifeblood. They will start to see the allied parent for who they really are, and if you can maintain routine and love of a normal-range parent, you will shine by comparison. Kids will, in time, be drawn to you.

Be very careful about how you reach out and maintain contact with kids who have been alienated. Crucial to this is understanding that if you put any pressure on them, if you encourage them to make any decisions, or you put any guilt trip on them, it puts them in a very difficult position indeed. Why? Because the allied parent will counter this with a rebuke, lies, mind-games, and with emotional pressure. This conflict around Parental Alienation puts an enormous psychological burden on the child – in acknowledging and responding to the love of their normal-range parent, they risk being ostracised by their allied parent. Invariably, a child’s defence mechanism will cause them keep their head down and be seen to be obeying their allied parent. It’s a natural and perfectly understandable coping mechanism.

So is there anything we can do? Sure. You can still send them regular messages that you are thinking about them. That you love them. That you miss them. Tell them anyway you can – by text, email, through a third party, post messages on your social media, stick signs on the side of the road of their school run – however you do it, just make sure that your kids are getting regular little messages that you love and care about them. No response required. No question posed. No moral dilemma thrust on them. There is a limit as to how long an allied parent can possibly keep negating such little messages. In time, as the child matures and realises and resent the drama and conflict that surrounds the NPD/BPD parent. They will start to see through the lies and manipulation. And, in their search for normality and love, they will be drawn inexorably away from the allied parent and towards the targeted parent who has remained constant, reliable and dependable in their love for them throughout. The judiciary may be as broken as hell – but at the end of the day, no court will be able to quash a child’s love of their normal-range parent.


< Mindset of the Pathogenic Parent | Combating Parental Alienation | Steering the Kids >

External Links

How to Protect your Children from you Narcissistic Spouse | HuffPost

How to Help your Children when their other Parent is a Narcissist | Psych Central

How to Help your Children when Co-Parenting with a Narcissist | Kim Saeed

Parental Alienation: Bully on a Grown-up Playground | Freud Institute