In every relationship with a narcopath, negativity is rife. If this is not immediately apparent, beware – it will be covert. Deep down, narcopaths are so wracked with self-loathing (despite their outward appearances) that it is impossible for them to contain their negativity. Impossible.
The important thing to consider is that insults directed at you are not only true in that they may reflect an insecurity that you have. So for example, a narcissistic boyfriend may taunt his girlfriend that she is fat. The reality is that she is not, and hard evidence – a BMI that is smack in the middle of the healthy zone – proves it. But there are several reasons why he would say such things:
- He is desperately insecure, and insulting her – indeed insulting anyone where he can get away with it – serves to prop up his fragile ego. The insult is entirely a reflection of him, not her.
- He has sensed, justly or otherwise, that she has an insecurity about her weight. So her weight is an easy target, and comments about her weight will result in her having lingering doubts about her attractiveness. Not only has he scored an easy goal, with little effort of battle to justify it, but he has also achieved two other major objectives – that of undermining her confidence (“I must be fat and unattractive”), and throwing her into confusion (“I’m fat and yet my scales tell me that I am my target BMI weight – how can this be?”). The confusion is an essential part of their reign of abuse, as it key ingredient of trauma bonding.
- He strengthens his hold over her in two subtle ways – her confidence that anyone else may find her attractive is further diminished because she’s fat, and conversely she is more reliant on him as he is still around, despite her being fat. Another objective is achieved – isolating her from friends and family, and crucially, her support base. More trauma bonding.
Control your thoughtsThe important thing to consider is this – it is not the insult that hurts, but your belief in its authenticity. You need to develop coping mechanisms to help you deal with narcopathis insults.
Turn the tables
Listen to the insults. Treat them as signposts that can direct you to those areas in your life where you might want to work on yourself. And when I say work on yourself, I mean so in two ways – the underlying truths, and the way you perceive them. So, in the example above, if your partner is insulting you about your weight and it hits a nerve, there’s your signpost. Decide whether you want to work on your weight, or whether you want to work on the way you perceive your weight. Play devil’s advocate – for example, as a guy, I can tell you that some of the most attractive girls I know are big ones who ooze fun and optimism. Why are they so attractive when these remarks are counter-intuitive according to society’s sizest values? Because guys know that big girls who ooze fun and optimism are replete with confidence – and for most decent guys, big confidence is way more attractive than skinny insecurities.
Becoming UnfuckwithableTraining for any major challenge is invariably hard. If you are reading this, that’ s probably where you are now. But you are now forging a new character – one who is strong, positive, confident, optimistic, attractive and successful. You may not like your trainer, but the more you can take advantage of your situation, the harder you can work on yourself, the quicker your journey to recovery and the more plentiful the rewards that will come to you.
More than a Narcopath to deal with
Just bear in mind that the Narcopath is not your only foe, and not the only problem person to have to deal with. You also need to make yourself unfuckwithable to the Narcopath’s toxic clique.